I have so many emotions that I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I can’t express anything because I have so many things to say that it’s making it difficult to get anything out. I’ve become merely a vision of myself.
I’m not happy. I pretend to be getting there, I pretend that this was the best thing that’s ever happened to me but my heart is aching. My very soul is aching. I need you, I want to feel you, I miss your touch and the warmth of irrevocable love. I can’t forgive you, I can’t trust you. I know I’m better than anything that I could suffer through in an effort to make things right with you, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to not be lonely.
I could go out, I could find someone who would be willing to have a superficial relationship with me, but I fear that nobody will ever touch my soul again. Has anyone truly ever touched my soul or was it all just a figment of my imagination? Was it just me masquerading for being in love, underneath the shroud of my unhappiness? My undoing is my unwillingness to love and accept myself for who I am. With every relationship that I’ve encountered, my vision of myself has become blurred, my outline has faded and I’m not really sure which parts of myself truly belong here or which have escaped. I don’t know who I am anymore and it’s the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
I want to feel a heartbeat against my skin, I want to feel the curve of a woman’s body underneath my hands, but I don’t want to lose who I am anymore. When I was younger, depressed, a child, I at least had a vision of what I wanted. Perhaps they were just visions of grandeur, but I pictured myself beside a beautiful woman, writing out my soul. Exposing my demons, my desires, and every single part of everything that I am or wanted to be. I thought that I would be good enough, but here I am as an adult and I don’t think I’m good enough for anything.
I’m doing something I hate, something easy. Let’s be real here for a minute, writing a program comes easy to me, networking comes easy to me. I have never struggled with something that has a black and white answer. I can learn, I can study, I can conceptualize… I can do math, I can do science, I can make your bits line up and ensure that all of your workstations have connectivity… But do I want to do this anymore? No. I don’t want this. It’s not my passion. I could fucking care less about how good your computer is, how big your dick is, what software you’re using or what protocol you’re using. I’m good at it, but how can I call it a passion?
I care about people. I care about working with people. I care about making a difference in this sad excuse for a world. I care about writing. I care about musical expression. I care about talking honestly, exposing myself and being real and true. In this world, this technologically driven world, there is no room for expressing feeling or anything out of the norm.
Is this my protection? Am I hiding from the passionate sides of myself because it hurts so badly? I have missed you every minute since you left, you were my Marina, and you were my everything. Did I cope with all of the shitty things that happened by becoming this drone who not only works with computers but has become one? I compute, I calculate, I don’t truly feel anymore. I’m controlling, I’m scared, I’m lost. I’m so fucking lost.
Is this it for me? 22 and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I have been having a love affair with food, cheating both myself and my lovers out of a healthy and happy relationship. I’m a food addict, I’m verbally abusive, I’m an asshole, I’m not a good person. I am strong, I can get the job done, but I’m a coward on so many intimate levels. I can’t face my biggest fears and by casting away the best and most passionate parts of myself, I have withdrawn into my shell of uncaring. I am having a temporary moment of weakness, but I can assure you that tomorrow my exoskeleton will be back and my life will make sense again because I will be able to hide from the passionate side of myself.
In the past year I have lost some people who meant a lot to me. Superficial loss or physical loss, I’m sorry. I miss you dearly. Karin, you continue to inspire me every day. I feel like every day that I waste by not writing, I am letting you down. You always said I had a way with words and that you loved the way I wrote. Perhaps I should get back into practice and prove not only to you, but to myself that I am COMPLETELY and TOTALLY capable of using my voice. I don’t need a mediocre job fixing computers or implementing security policies. I miss you so fucking much; you were my inspiration. RIP, love.
Listen here Holly: Health can only come by knowing and loving who you are. Stop hiding who you are. Explore the dark parts of yourself; listen to those demons for one minute. Fuck until you can’t fuck anymore. Play guitar, sing loudly, cry. Most importantly, cry. Crying is a cleansing of your soul. You need it to feel strong. You don’t need another person to feel loved. You don’t need food to feel loved. You need to get healthy, love your body, mind and soul. You can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE A STRONG, INTELLIGENT AND BRAVE WOMAN. EXPLORE YOUR DESIRES.
This is my psychopathic rambling for the night. That’s it, I hope you enjoyed the show.
